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“Clouds are the sky’s imagination”

Terri Guillemets

 

Have Yourself: Mindful Parenting

November 9, 2020

When I began teaching and was still in my “green” phase, I was confronted by students exhibiting with meltdowns, oppositional outbursts, lack of motivation and a variety of behaviors that were entirely foreign to me.  These instances gave me pause and a new kind of stress to respond equal to the task.   I was now a “professional” and I was the one who was supposed to have the answers…but, I didn’t.  How can anyone know the best way to solve a crisis without an accumulative set of experiences that were yet to be realized? Read all you want. Listen to varying opinions. In the end, it comes down to you and your gut.

I want you to imagine a young man equipped with both a Masters degree in Special Education and two years working as an assistant teacher at the same school where he would eventually teach, being as green as a Crayola when the rubber hit the road and he was now the person in charge. And then realize how it makes mountains of sense that you as a parent, with absolutely NO background, intention, foreknowledge or plan for being a parent of a child with special needs, would be even LESS prepared for what was to come. So, forgive yourself your natural unawareness, self-doubt and humanness. 

HOW DO WE CREATE RELATIONSHIPS WITH OUR CHILDREN

So, what was it that ultimately got me to a place of understanding which would allow me to manage the challenges of my job with confidence? In my opinion, there is only one true measure and tool for success with our children; that is the relationship we create with them. And this is healthiest when we are mindful of who we are in relation to ourselves and children and respectful of who they are as their unique selves. 

MINDFUL or CONSCIOUS PARENTING begins with an understanding of yourself.  It is informed by your relationship to you.  To gain the confidence and experience that would lead to professional  success for me, I had to work at allowing a deeper acknowledgement of who was; in my mind and in my heart, with respect to my kids, when I entered into their world.  And this took years. 

When I realized that I had an ability to connect with kids and gain their trust it was due to the fact that I was gaining in self-trust.  As I grew, I was aware of trying to let go of presumptions, standards, expectations and, greatest of all, demands.  Again, this took a long time. Years of deciphering what worked and what didn’t. Years of honing my skills and comprehension.  And, years of constant reflection. Did I judge myself along the way? Was I hard on myself? Absolutely. 

I cared and wanted to do my best.  And I know that is what you want for yourself and your child. And in order to be successful, I suggest that we open to being mindful. 

Mindfulness is: “The practice of living in the moment. Where you are in the world, what you’re thinking, and how you’re feeling on the inside and out. “ …“Looking at the world with less judgment and more acceptance. “  Ashley Marcin

Mindful Parenting  is the practice of responding thoughtfully and not with a knee jerk, emotional reaction to your child’s behaviors. …“It’s about accepting whatever is going on, rather than trying to change it or ignore it.”  The Gottman Institute

As I infuse mindful parenting into this and future writing, I recommend that you research it further. The authors and blogs I reference here are excellent sources for going deeper than I can in one blog post.  Shefali Tsabary is a PhD and has a book, “ The Conscious Parent.” I recommend it.

Why do I favor Mindful Parenting?  Because as a teacher, without knowing of it’s concept, I naturally evolved to it’s tenants.  I want to introduce it to you, or remind you of it, in order to give yourself space to grow.  I hope for you that you will not judge yourself for your innocent, initial parental missteps.  And, I hope for you, that you will accept or come to accept, who your child is as a sovereign being.  

Mindful parenting a child with special needs, like all things special needs, requires adaptions and interpretations.  But knowing what to do for your child is common to all parents. How you choose to approach your child mindfully, is universal. You, as the parent, can make a conscious decision to allow your children to lead by recognizing their capabilities and limitations and by not forcing your will upon them.  When we try to fulfill our unfed ego through our children we tend to fail them by being unable to connect with them.  Children do not belong to us. They are not here to meet our needs.  They are not here to fulfill our wants, hopes and desires. 

Children must be allowed to lead, to the degree that they are physically, emotionally and mentally able.  There are thoughts, hopes and desires no matter the depth of involvement from a disability; from a stoke of the hair to feel loved and relaxed, to wearing a favorite Disney princess dress, to watching the same ten second snippet of “Shawn the Sheep” a hundred times. 

We must allow our children to tell us who they are. 

Developing the ability to listen begins with ourselves; start with you. The bad news, for lack of a better word, is that as a parent of a child with special needs, this requires a greater effort because of the disabilities demands. The great news is that the resulting connection to your child will be worth every second. 

In future blogs I will speak to healthy outlets for you to engage in which will go a long way towards mindfully meeting yourself where you are and reacquaint yourself with the idea that you matter as much as anyone…because you do!

We are learning all of the time; whether we know it or not.  It does not stop once we become adults.  But if we are open and aware to this fact then we have the potential for exponential growth. I suggest that being mindful and staying open to learning is our responsibility as caregivers. It is the only way towards respecting our children as independent thinkers and life sources, and  developing and achieving strong relationships with them. Your child can be a source of your growth.  “A fully conscious parent respects kids as individuals in their own right. As much as we are here to teach our children, they are here to teach us.” Shefali Tsabary

13 PRINCIPLES OF CONSCIOUS PARENTING

by Alfie Kohn

  1. Be reflective.
  2. Reconsider your requests.
  3. Stay focused on your long-term goals.
  4. Put your relationship first.
  5. Change how you see, not just how you act.
  6. R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
  7. Be authentic.
  8. Talk less, ask more.
  9. Be mindful of your child’s age.
  10. Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts.
  11. Don’t stick to no’s unnecessarily.
  12. Don’t be rigid.
  13. Don’t be in a hurry.


“Once you accept your children’s basic nature, you can contour your style to meet their temperament. To do so means letting go of your fantasies of yourself as a certain kind of parent and instead evolving into the parent you need to be for the particular child in front of you.” 
― Shefali Tsabary, The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children

“to enter into a state of pure connection with your child, you can achieve this by setting aside any sense of superiority.” 
― Shefali Tsabary, The Conscious Parent

Peace and Keep Rising!

11.5.20

So much to talk about!  I have several topics that I will be covering in the coming blogs but I wanted to take a minute to invite you to ask for feedback on something that is of interest to you or ask a question you would like some information on. Leave your suggestion, question or comment in the comment section below.  I look forward to hearing from you!

Mark

10/25/20

What Will The Holidays Look Like During a Pandemic?

This year the holidays will look very different for most of us. Due to Covid-19, family gatherings will be smaller and may be accompanied by video conferencing of relatives and friends.  Holiday destination activities will be restrictive or cancelled and the exuberance of the season may be dampened.  Of course, that part depends on us, our perspectives, our creativity and our determination.  

The fact that we have traditions that may date back to our childhood does not preclude space for new traditions. This crisis has caused us all to take a step back and reconsider how we live. We’ve had to make numerous adjustments and sacrifices.  Your children have had to live with sudden and drastic changes to their routines; always a challenging scenario in the life of a special needs child and his/her family. It has been a trying and often exhausting period for everyone on a variety of levels.

Our expectations for the holidays are deep and long standing.  But I am challenging you to stay open and let go of expectations, to see outside of the box, and imagine what you can do to create new traditions and new ways of celebrating.  With time and thought, family gatherings can still be fun and there are outside activities that are safe and satisfying. If we are ambitious, even a little bit, we can use this time to inspire new beginnings and put fresh twists on traditional holiday fair. 

I know of a mom, who’s child is on the spectrum and she, despite her crazy, busy schedule, is constantly searching out and finding places to go, many of which I have never heard of, to enrich her son’s life experience.  Is this you? Can this be you?  She and her husband travel locally or to other states to add flair, excitement and nostalgia to their son’s holiday catalogue of memories.  These are things that, depending on time and budget, are within your grasp! This can be you:)

I believe this year will be an even bigger year for drive-by attractions and outdoor activities such as:

There are many fun ways to enjoy Zoom or other video conferencing platforms to afford your child active participation in holiday fun. Some examples are:

As for staying home activities, you can:

Every child is unique and you know what is realistic and possible for yours better than anyone. Play around and adapt these and other ideas you can think of or that you discover in your research.  Planning is everything and preparing your child for the holidays using a calendar helps to build anticipation and is a reminder to your child that these events are coming; also, a terrific distraction during those rough moments, tantrums and outbursts leading up to these special days.  

Every person has her/his take on this virus. There are going to be places of agreement and disagreement when it comes to how to behave when we are gathered together. It could be helpful to discuss and come to a place of mutual agreement that everyone can live with and respect prior to the holidays.  This is going to mean that perhaps, no one will feel they are getting all of their preferences met.  But, can we find common ground?  This is a challenge for everyone so, don’t feel pressured to fold and sacrifice for what doesn’t feel right to you.  We all have to do what is best for ourselves and our families. I recommend when planning get togethers, that you follow CDC guidelines. They are there to inform and make everyone feel safer.  Go to their website to find explicit instructions. ( https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/daily-life-coping/holidays.html). That strikes me as a good starting place.

And remember that this is a sensitive time for everyone.  Be mindful of your own feelings during the more stressful moments. Take deep breathes and do not be afraid to ask others to help you manage this season.  If you have few options, please remember to allow yourself to mess up. Forgive yourself and come back stronger to do better the next time. Stresses hit us all differently and the tendency to feel we have failed because it has gotten to us is normal.  Turn that around and learn from each fall. Step back and return calmer and more open. We are, each of us, just one person. Love yourself and that love will spill onto your child(ren) and your world. 

*This blog post is written with a strong awareness and appreciation for all cultures and religions and the unique traditions surrounding their holidays. I am sensitive to the fact that many are not represented above and in no fashion is that meant to imply disrespect. All of what I suggest here can be adapted to your holiday of choice. 

Peace and keep on Rising!

*I liked this article from Althea Mshar. She is a special needs mom and blogger

Helping Families with Special Needs Survive the Holidays 

October 16, 2020

How did I get here?

The journey to writing this first sentence has been a long one. It has been filled with so many diverse experiences, relationships (both student-teacher and parent-teacher) and amazing memories that have shaped the person I am today.  When I think back on who I was before entering into the field of Special Education, I recall someone sensitive and aware but lacking the understanding of what a family with a child possessing special needs faces.

My exposure to the nature of disabilities began very early in my life. I grew up with an uncle, paralyzed from the time he was 25, who lived with my family for a period of time when I was around 9 years old.  Watching him struggle to complete daily living tasks that an able bodied person might take for granted, was eye opening to how challenging the life of someone with a disability, could be.  However, regardless of his reality, he was a person first. He didn’t define his existence by his disability so neither did I.  Being with him seemed to me as natural as throwing a baseball; the only difference being… my uncle couldn’t walk.

I remember, in earlier years, how I loved when he’d give me rides as I stood on the back tilt bars of his wheelchair and that there was an extra chair in the garage that I would play with. It was all very light and innocent for a young boy who grew up in a world where disability was all but hidden. There was no education beyond my personal experiences. We weren’t as enlightened back then. Prior to his living with us, my uncle’s chair, in a sense, was the disability to me.  I understood that it substituted for his legs, but, that’s pretty much where it stopped. However, for my uncle, beyond that chair was so much more packed into the duffel bag that was his world. And when I was exposed to the everydayness of his life and that bag, I was awakened!

And now I am here. I have experienced from the inside, the worlds of families, different and the same, unique yet familiar to all who live it. I have witnessed the depth of their involvement. Aspects like the unending hours of care, scheduling, doctor visits, sacrifices, desperation, coping with meltdowns, managing to maintain “normalcy, ” the strains on relationships and the lost sense of self. All of the things other families don’t have to imagine. Yet, all of the things that make your life and your reality enormously important. And the good news? Despite and because of these there are the triumphs! And because of you, there is a “she” and there is a ”he.” There is the beauty of this unique person who graces this earth. An individual, who when allowed the opportunity, can achieve her or his potential. And that’s what you do everyday when you deal with “all of it.” You lend purpose and you give love, and your heart, to someone so deserving and capable and who, from my experiences, can blow your mind when given a chance!

So let this new journey begin. I hope to visit mindfulness and kindness as threads that weave this website’s core. Be mindful! Be kind! But not only of, and to others. Be mindful of you. Be kind to you. For that is how we triumph, when we have more or all of ourselves. Then we can give. 🙂

 

October 18, 2020

SpecialEdRising

The concept of SpecialEdRising is an outgrowth of timely inspiration as it relates to the word, rising; for me, a touchstone for motivating, growing and overcoming. 

When I left the classroom after 30 years, it was something I had dreamed about doing for awhile.  I always knew there were other ways for me to contribute to this world; some I had already gotten a taste of both professionally and creatively. I was ever mindful of that. However, the real reasons behind the number 30, for as much as I disagreed with institutional matters through the years and fought the cravings for personal change, were two things, job security and my students.

Early in my career I quickly discovered that my interest and eventually, my skills, were very much in tune with human development and behavior management.  I didn’t really like teaching subjects. I was certainly capable but they didn’t excite me. However, looking back, if I hadn’t taken that road, which kept me full-time in the classroom, I wouldn’t have had the kind of everyday, all day interactions I was afforded with my kids.  Therefore, less opportunities would have presented themselves which, ultimately, enabled me to focus my energies on the heavy lifting of helping my students strive to become their best selves.  My job satisfaction ultimately came from seeing their growth, no matter how great or how small.

 

And now it was done. The beginning of a new era of my life had arrived and with it, a world wide open to me, replete with possibilities that I could not yet imagine, laid at my feet.  Little did I know it at the time, but this change was going to be the best thing that ever happened to me.  

As my final day employed in the system came to an end, I was driving home in a contemplative mood and on the radio came Bruce Springsteen’s, THE RISING.  I began closely listening to the lyrics.  As I pulled up to the next traffic light and waited there, I saw a young man crossing the street carrying a shopping bag that read, RISE.  My eyes widened and I said out loud, ‘Are you kidding me?’  I thought a lot about where I was in that moment and the idea of Rising through this transition. It was clear to me that this was going to be my new mantra and I was now wide awake to the mission of making my life anew. I was excited!  Every subsequent business card I made in some way incorporated, Rising, and/or, Rise Up!  It was the thing that gave me belief. 

*And believe it or not, as I was pulling into the entrance to the location of my first, post-teaching interview, what do you think came on the radio? …Yup🙂

 

Then came the idea for a blog. That’s all. Not a website. Just a sort of special education related blog to help parents help their kids.  Meanwhile, I continued to work and pick up more clients with an agency and soon had several students who were on the spectrum. This work brought me directly into the homes of not only the kids, but the families. The curtain had been raised and I was able to see what I always tried to imagine or was told by parents regarding the realities of life at home for every member of the household.  It was eye opening! And it changed my resolve.

I quickly determined that, helping parents not only help their child, but helping parents and siblings help themselves and manage the unpredictability and enormous responsibility of raising a challenged child, was where I wanted to focus my energies. 

The initial idea for the blog, for months, was centered their. And then in August I ended up in the hospital for five days.  It was their that I had time to really mull over what I wanted to do with this endeavor once I was well. I wanted it to be more. I wanted it, now, to be a website that didn’t just give advice and encourage strategies for your kids and yourselves, I wanted it to be more active, interactive and creatively expressive.  A place to yell from the rooftops!  And so, SpecialEdRising took shape and is now realized and breathing and eager to grow with you. 

I want to encourage you throughout your journey, to always strive to be rising to new levels of self discovery and, as importantly, arrive at a place where you allow yourself to be stuck or doubt or fail and forgive yourself when that happens. There are a lot of bumps in everyone’s road of life; no smooth, straight lines for us. Be kind to yourself and learn to lean on others.

*And remember, when it comes to your children, you know them best. In a future blog, I will speak to that because I know a lot of people have a lot of opinions that can lead you to doubt yourself.

Peace and keep on Rising!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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